I know people are tired of talking about the word “nigger”, especially from me, but when I’m medicated I am able to reach deep in my memory banks for some reason. I can recall the first time I was confronted with the word. My friends and I were talking and somehow the conversation had lead to the use of “nigger”. I was in the 5^th grade and one of my white friends asked if he could say it. So, unsure myself, I said yeah. Once he said it, one of my black friends threatened him if he said it again. So there I was, once again, confused as hell. This was the first time I had to tackle the issue of “nigger”.

I’m 21 now and I have a firmer grasp on my position than I had had back in grade school. I am completely and utterly against the use of the word in social situations. The only way I can legitimize its use would be if it were in the form of historical literature, past and present movies based in times that the use of the word was rampant (for historical accuracy only), art forms such as: poetry, music, video; that use it only in necessity. All other utterances of the word are offensive.

Lackadaisical banal use of the word in everyday speech is offensive because Black people have suffered, and continue to suffer, from its poison. It’s a hurtful term. Nigger places every black person, past present and future, into an inferior position. When it was used by racists of the past, it was meant to make their racism even more pure and cynical, it says that what ever a black person does to legitimize himself as a human being, as an American, as a productive part of society; he will always fail because he is black, less of a human, a “nigger”.

Some people, black and otherwise, say that they use it as a term of endearment, they use it like they would use guy or girl or dude. They don’t understand why some black people get offended when their intent is good. What these people fail to understand is that “nigger” belittles black people in the worst way. So using the word as a “term of endearment” shows their ignorance of the negative impact it has, it shows ignorance of the history, and it ultimately shows that you disrespect the people it hurts the most. If you are black and you use it, you are accepting the meaning, regardless of your intent. If you are not black you are disrespecting the history of the word and the people it was meant to affect, regardless of your intent.

 People who defend it use say “Well, why is it that I can’t say it if I don’t mean it that way?”Like Al Sharpton says “you are delegitimizing my civil rights of not being called a derogatory racial term [nigger]”.  You can’t call homosexuals faggots, you can’t call Asian people chinks, etc. why is it that some people try and get away with saying “nigger, niggah, nigga”? You are not allowing me to exercise my civil rights, by using the word or any derivative of the word. Its not a term of endearment it is a poisonous term that should be deleted from the mouths of everyone using it, even in personal private situations.

“Nigger, niggah, nigga” is indefensible. Black people shouldn’t and can’t say it; people of other nationalities shouldn’t and can’t say it.

The only way you could ever experience its true power, would be to be Black and have someone call you a nigger; not niggah not negro not nigga, nigger. Once day last summer I was walking back to my car from my job as a census talker. As I was walking down the sidewalk a pair of white men were walking toward me. As we approached one another one of the men said, “Hey nigger”. I was shocked, I didn’t know what to do, how to react. Should I fight these guys, have all of us risk our lives fighting so close to a busy street, get kicked out of school? Should I be diplomatic and talk to them and ask them their root of calling me this? What should I do?  I ultimately just kept walking to my car. Here I am a college student studying cell biology, trying to go to either grad school or med school, working my ass off to achieve my goals in life, and all of a sudden I have become less than human. A nigger. Less than who ever those hicks were. I was nothing, but a nigger.

The word should not be used.

My new apartment is so quiet. No more noisy trains outside my window, or the constant noise of tires against the pavement. Quiet is the most relaxing experience that you can experience for free, or in my case $499/month. If you want to truly relax find that quiet space in your home and just sit; darkness may enhance your experience, results may vary. The darkness in my case freaks me out…But seriously everyone needs and deserves what I am experiencing right this moment. Let me try and put this moment into words.

The light has dimmed, my eyes relaxed, my ears can only hear the gentle beat of fingertip on keyboard, and the silence in between is rich. Nothing moves, nothing rustles, the world has said goodnight and all that is left is this nothing. There is nothing rustling, nothing creaking, nothing moving about. I feel as if I have left Earth’s touch and am circling its atmosphere way above the clouds. This quiet is nothing, and everything. Everything coos to the same tune …….   

Brand new start! New college! New faces! AND I'm living with the girlfriend...uh-oh! Just thought I should mention that AGAIN, to myself. I literally have no more room for error this time. I feel like I'm Mario and I only have one more life left. Shit just got real. So real, in fact, I"m thinking about just leaving my xbox in Chicago (Oh snap!)